Conversations With My Mother

Conversation with my mother who sounds like herself for the first time in weeks:

Nurse: I just wanted to be sure you didn’t fall. My Mother: Well, when I say I can walk, I can walk… I guess nobody told you that I am a member of the Flying Wallendas.

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Conversation with My Mother

My Mother: And how was the wedding? Me: Really beautiful. My Mother: How nice. Me: Yes, and it was rather interesting because my father’s wife was there and also his first wife and also his third wife! My Mother: Well, … Continue reading

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Conversation With My Mother about Ceiling Fan

My Mother: Where are you going? Me: I’m on my way to Lowes to get a new ceiling fan. My mother: Oh no… What happened? Me: Well, at two in the morning I decided to turn off the fan at … Continue reading

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Conversation With My Mother

My Mother to Brautigan: Peter piper picked a pack of pickled peckers. Me: Mother he did not pick a pickled pecker. My Mother: Well what did he pick? Me: A pepper. My Mother: Oh.

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Conversation With My Mother

My mother: …Well, if he wants to come over to my place and give me a quaalude, I’ll gladly take one. But he’d have to leave me the fuck alone. Me: That’s terrible, Mother. And besides, I don’t believe they … Continue reading

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Conversation with my mother on Mother’s Day

My mother: I thought of an idea that you need to write about. Me: What? My mother: What if… on your birth certificate… it not only stated the day you were born but also the day you will die. Me: … Continue reading

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Conversation with my Mother About Ebola

Me: I’m upset. My Mother: Why? Me: I’m embarrassed to tell you. But I have to get it out of my head. My Mother: Go ahead. Me: I was in Starbucks just before and I used the public bathroom and … Continue reading

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Conversation with my Mother

Mother: (after diatribing for five minutes) …I mean it, Jess, you must cleanse your lymphs… It could be the difference between life and death… And it’s so damn simple. All you do is stand like a scarecrow and flap your … Continue reading

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Conversation with my Mother

MOTHER:  I spent a dollar today. ME: What did you buy? MOTHER: A china cock. ME: A china cock? MOTHER: I believe that is the correct terminology for a male chicken. ME: You bought a porcelain rooster? MOTHER: I did. … Continue reading

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Conversation with my Mother

Mother:  So how was your visit with your in-laws? Me: Terrible. Mother: Oh, no.  What happened? Me: Well, the trouble started when Chris’s mother attempted to kiss my baby with a gigantic herpe on her lip. Mother: No! Me: Yes.  … Continue reading

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