Conversations With My Mother
Nurse: I just wanted to be sure you didn’t fall. My Mother: Well, when I say I can walk, I can walk… I guess nobody told you that I am a member of the Flying Wallendas.
My Mother: And how was the wedding? Me: Really beautiful. My Mother: How nice. Me: Yes, and it was rather interesting because my father’s wife was there and also his first wife and also his third wife! My Mother: Well, … Continue reading
My Mother: Where are you going? Me: I’m on my way to Lowes to get a new ceiling fan. My mother: Oh no… What happened? Me: Well, at two in the morning I decided to turn off the fan at … Continue reading
My Mother to Brautigan: Peter piper picked a pack of pickled peckers. Me: Mother he did not pick a pickled pecker. My Mother: Well what did he pick? Me: A pepper. My Mother: Oh.
My mother: …Well, if he wants to come over to my place and give me a quaalude, I’ll gladly take one. But he’d have to leave me the fuck alone. Me: That’s terrible, Mother. And besides, I don’t believe they … Continue reading
My mother: I thought of an idea that you need to write about. Me: What? My mother: What if… on your birth certificate… it not only stated the day you were born but also the day you will die. Me: … Continue reading
Me: I’m upset. My Mother: Why? Me: I’m embarrassed to tell you. But I have to get it out of my head. My Mother: Go ahead. Me: I was in Starbucks just before and I used the public bathroom and … Continue reading
Mother: (after diatribing for five minutes) …I mean it, Jess, you must cleanse your lymphs… It could be the difference between life and death… And it’s so damn simple. All you do is stand like a scarecrow and flap your … Continue reading
MOTHER: I spent a dollar today. ME: What did you buy? MOTHER: A china cock. ME: A china cock? MOTHER: I believe that is the correct terminology for a male chicken. ME: You bought a porcelain rooster? MOTHER: I did. … Continue reading