My mother: …Well, if he wants to come over to my place and give me a quaalude, I’ll gladly take one. But he’d have to leave me the fuck alone.
Me: That’s terrible, Mother. And besides, I don’t believe they even make quaaludes anymore.
My mother: Xanax will work.
Me: Oh boy.
My mother: There’s nothing wrong with a little Xanax every now and then, Jessica.
Me: If you say so.
My mother: Darling, we live in a world where sharks are falling from the fucking sky. I think it’s the right of every human being to take a Xanax if they feel they need one.
Me: Well I think there are more natural ways to calm one’s nerves.
My mother: And I can tell they’re doing wonders for you, my dear.
Me: I’m not taking any, Mother.
My mother: Well maybe you should.
Me: Actually I was thinking of trying some kava kava.
My mother: Don’t. I read something about kava… it can be very dangerous.
Me: So you’re telling me that kava kava is more dangerous than Xanax?
My mother: Yes, I believe so. Because by the time you take enough kava to calm your nerves, you’ll probably have consumed the entire bottle, where as if I took a single Xanax, I’d be able to sleep the entire night.
Me: Maybe, somehow, you have a point.
My mother: Oh, you are so green.
Me: If you say so, but I’m at the store now, so we’ll have to continue this conversation later.
My mother: Very well. Be careful, darling.
Me: I will.