Another Pep Talk With My Mother

My Mother: Where are you going?

Me: I’m on my way to Lowes to get a new ceiling fan.

My mother: Oh no... What happened?

Me: Well, at two in the morning I decided to turn off the fan at which point the light went on full blast and it woke up Brautigan who was very upset, yelling for the sun to go down, and then the fan started smoking and I must have dropped five f-bombs waiting for Chris to take the damn bulb out which was so hot he had to use a cloth, a cloth that wound up being Bruatigan’s brand new white training undies.

My mother: Oh, no... Well you listen to me, Jessica. You need to March right into that store and find the manager and tell them that their fan almost burned down your house.

Me: Well I would, but I can’t find the receipt, so I’m not sure what they’d be able to do.

My mother: Oh Jessica. If there is something to worry about, I can count on you to scour the earth to find it. Here’s what you tell them... You tell them that you shoved the receipt up your husband’s ass. Jessica... You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. Just tell them you want your money back. That the fan almost caught on fire. And that you have a toddler. That’s it. Why do you constantly imagine that the entire world is your jury?

Me: That’s a good point. I suppose you’re right.

My mother: Of course I’m right, Jessica. Contrary to what all those cretins from your formative years may have told you, it is your right to go out into the world and be an advocate for yourself and your family. And you do not need anyone’s permission to do so. And if someone tells you ‘no’ you thank them for their time and you go to the next person until you get a yes. Do you hear me?

Me: Yes, Mother. Thank you.

My Mother: And please don’t thank me. I’m your mother for fuck’s sake. Call me when you return from Lowe’s with your refund.

Me: I will.

-JLK