Conversation with my Mother

Me:  I’m so sad. Mother:  Why?

Me:  Brautigan had some specs of blood in his diaper today. He’s so determined to pass his bowels. He’s been pushing and pushing for two days and I’m so sad because I feel he pushes to make me proud. Maybe I give him too much applause for releasing his bowels.

Mother:  What do you mean, applause?

Me:  I clap my hands.  Or sometimes, I applaud and then sing the ‘I’m Proud of You’ song, and do a little dance.

Mother:  You’ve got to be kidding, Jess.

Me:  What do you mean?

Mother:  You’re going to make him totally anal-obsessed. You’re going to turn him into a proctologist. He’s going to grow up and major in anus 101 and anus 102.

Me:  He’s too young to develop issues, Mother.

Mother:  Like hell he is.

Me:  Besides, where do you think I got this from?  You are the one who gave me standing ovations for my BMs!

Mother:  I gave you standing ovations for everything you did.

Me:  See what I mean?  How is that any different?

Mother:  It’s not.  I’m just trying to prevent another relative of mine from having issues.

Me:  Oh my God!  So you admit I have issues!

Mother:  I didn’t say you had issues.

Me:  You implied I have issues.  It’s ok.  You can be honest.  I know I have issues.  And as I suspected, I now know it’s all your fault!  I’ve grown up into someone who cannot handle any portion of life without a standing ovation.  And I haven’t had one since you gave one to me!  No wonder I don’t get along with my husband!

Mother:  (laughing) I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me.

Me:  What difference does it make if I forgive you? I am a ruined person.

Mother:  (laughing)

Me:  It’s not funny.

Mother:  Write your congressman.