Conversation With My Mother About My Issues


My Mother: What’s wrong now, Jessica

Me: I’m so sad.

My Mother: Why? What happened?

Me: Brautigan had some specs of blood in his diaper today. He’s so determined to pass his bowels. He’s been pushing and pushing for two days and I’m so sad because I feel he pushes to make me proud. Maybe I give him too much applause for releasing his bowels.

My Mother: What do you mean, applause?

Me: Well, I clap my hands. Or sometimes, I applaud and then sing the ‘I’m Proud of You’ song, and do a little dance.

My Mother: You have got to be kidding me, Jess.

Me: What do you mean?

My Mother: You’re going to make him totally anal-obsessed. You’re going to turn him into a proctologist. He’s going to grow up and major in anus, Jessica. He’ll wind up teaching anus 101 and anus 102.

Me: He’s too young to develop issues, Mother.

My Mother: Like hell he is.

Me: Besides, where do you think I got this from? You are the one who gave me standing ovations for my BMs!

My Mother: I gave you standing ovations for everything you did.

Me: See what I mean? How is that any different?

My Mother: It’s not. I’m only trying to prevent another relative of mine from having issues.

Me: Oh my God! So you finally admit it! I have issues!

My Mother: I didn’t say you had issues.

Me: You implied I have issues. It’s ok. You can be honest. I know I have issues. And as I suspected, I know it’s all your fault! I’ve grown up into someone who cannot handle any portion of life without a standing ovation. And I haven’t had one since you gave one to me! No wonder I have a hard time getting along with people.

My Mother: I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me.

Me: What difference does it make if I forgive you? I am a ruined person.

My Mother: (laughing)

Me: It’s not funny.

My Mother: It is so, Jessica. And if you’re that upset, go write your congressman.

Me: Fine. I will.

-JLK