The Experiment With Positive Energy in the Car with My Mother

Once I did this experiment in the car with my mother.

She was in a place of no possibility. She was moaning and said her chest was hurting, which I knew from experience meant the beginning of an episode.

That panic and paranoia were about to rear their heads. I was starting to go to that place of private disappointment where I say things like, “Fuck this. I invest all my time into this woman, and for what! Nothing helps.”

But while I was entering this catastrophic space that was taking over my reality, I noticed how unpleasant it felt, and somehow I noticed this tiny ladder up where I could access this other part of my being that had a say in the matter of who I was going to be.

And my attention climbed higher up between my eyes—not on purpose—but it settled there and I could see so much clearer through that space I’ve focused on so many times during meditation—but a space I rarely used in the middle of an upset.

Like the crucifix around so many necks—sure, we know what it is, but how many times do we get that we are the ones who crucify ourselves? Every time we let the world bring us down instead of remembering who we are that’s beyond our circumstances.

What I can tell you is what it seems we mostly do, or at least what I mostly do when things get difficult, is let my frustration and disappointment replace my values and wisdom, and then I wait for circumstances outside of myself to improve my mood.

So, this time, I decided to keep focusing on this space of light and peace, instead of resisting what was happening, and this energy I felt must have leaked through my skin and out into the world around me, and into my mother who had just been complaining... Because right as it did, she looked at me and asked, “So how does acupuncture work anyhow?”

I was amazed.

I’m sure I must have raised my eyebrows in disbelief.
But, as soon as I marveled at the moment, it was gone, caught up in the traffic which had backed up again, and my mother started complaining again.

I laddered up and tried to catch that spot again between my eyes— that marvelous space—and lo and behold, she asked another question:
“You know Jess, maybe you should make me an appointment with Norman. I see how much good it’s done for you.”

And I’m sure my jaw must have dropped but yet at the same time I wondered,
why should I be amazed that we are magical creatures?
Why should I be more convinced that the only parts of ourselves that are real are the parts that got so lost worrying so much about what we think we should be doing,
instead of realizing what we’re already doing—not only passing through this crazy fucked up beautiful world, but changing its direction with every thought we think.

-JLK