The Lilting Man - An Old Conversation With My Mother

ME: I’m lonely and I feel like a loser.

MY MOTHER: Jesus, Jessica. You’re just on Sudafed. You should never take Sudafed. I’ve told you that before, but you don’t listen. Haven’t you heard the expression, ‘Mother knows best?’ …Oh my God.

ME: What?

MY MOTHER: I’m standing in front of the 99 cent store, and you would not believe what’s across the street…

ME: What?

MY MOTHER: A wiry drug addict, wavering. Uh oh… Is he gonna fall? He’s wavering, Jessica, from side to side, trying to lift his cigarette into his mouth... Uhp… There you go... You got it… Good job!

ME: Well don’t get too close to him, Mother.

MY MOTHER: He’s across the street, Jessica. And don’t worry, he’s harmless to everyone but himself… Oh boy. He is now attempting to cross the street.

ME: Towards you?

MY MOTHER: No, not towards me, Jessica... Ohp... Can he make the curb? Ok, he’s off the curb… And he’s talking to a parked truck… Yes, he just told the truck to fuck off… And he’s in the street… And he’s got clearance to the other side... Is he going to make it? Uh oh... He’s lilting... He’s lilting, Jessica... Come on, you can do it…

ME: I wonder what happened to him.

MY MOTHER: I’m sure the same thing that happened to so many people, Jess. Someone 20 years ago told him he was worthless and he believed it and he’s been trying to escape the prison of having to be him ever since. But you know what, Jessica? Everyone has a choice. Unless someone has some aberrant brain chemical disorganization, everyone has a choice to put the past behind them and move on. And if that’s just not possible, you know what? Maybe they fall down and maybe someone has a big enough heart to lend them a helping hand and point them toward a new direction.

ME: Well maybe you can do that for him.

MY MOTHER: Please. Honey, my hands are kind of full right now trying to take myself somewhere new. Uhp… There he goes... He’s almost to the other side... Oh no… He’s lilting again… Really staggering… I think he’s gonna drop. But dammit, he’s really trying, Jessica, bless his fucking heart... Wait a minute… Wait a minute… He made it! He fucking made it! And he’s leaning against a tree… Oh God, do I hate fucking Florida…

ME: Well maybe he’ll find his way.

MY MOTHER: Maybe he will and maybe he won’t. But either way, Jessica, back to what I was saying about you… You need to give yourself a fucking break. And you need to get your own past back in the past. You are not a loser. You are an extraordinary human being and my daughter. And I never want you taking god damn Sudafed ever again. Do you hear me?

ME: Yes, Mother.

MY MOTHER: Good. I hope you do.

-JLK