The Motherless Fuck

I remember once when I was seven or so, my mother and I stopped to pick up a carton of True Blues and Special Kay and on our way back, someone had double parked and blocked us in.

After a few moments of waiting, my mother ripped a page out of one of my legal pads where I used to collect out-of-state license plate numbers, and I watched her write a note, a note which was shielded somewhat from my view, though I could make out the words ‘cocksucker’ and ‘motherless fuck’. 

And she placed this note on the windshield of the car and we waited. And waited. About fifteen minutes or so until the owner of the car finally walked out of the store, looking wiry and wild. 

And as he was getting in his car, he noticed the perfectly folded yellow square under his wiper, and I watched him read it. And I watched him look over at us. 

And I smiled nervously as my mother waved sardonically. And his face turned into a rabid scowl, and he charged over to our car, to my mother’s side, thank god, and he started spitting, while shouting derogatory words denoting the nether regions of the female body.

My mother had power windows but I recall wishing they went up faster than they did. 

And I shielded my eyes and tried to climb onto the floor under the seat while my mother chuckled and made some comment about the amniotic fluid that was still behind my ears. 

But for all the cussing I’ve heard from my mother, I never once saw her give anyone the finger. That, according to my mother, is just plain rude and unladylike. 

As is smoking and walking. 

And eating salad with a dinner fork. 

Or saying that one has to 'pee' instead of powdering one’s nose.

Or that one is nauseous instead of nauseated. 

Or giving the word ‘interesting’ four syllables instead of three. 

Or pronouncing the letter 't' in often, or using the word incidentally, which according to my mother is a garbage word. 

Or, worst of all, telling anyone to shut up, which is, without a doubt, my mother always says, a sure indicator that one is a Neanderthal. 

But… calling someone a motherless fuck or a cocksucker is perfectly ok, so long as one enunciates properly.

-JLK