Filling the Urn Necklace

I had this thought, while I was trying to funnel my mother’s ashes into the tiny opening of this urn necklace I got. Well, first, let me tell you that this was no easy feat. Not the ritual I’d hoped for. Besides the unbelievable weirdness that these ashes once formed the foundation of my beloved mother, it was not at all easy to get them into this urn! Instead of silently blessing the spirit of my mother, chunks of bone were getting stuck in the funnel, then the funnel clearing-stick thing cracked in half and I wound up having to use a spoon and getting ashes all over the damn place. I heard my mother laughing, saying, “Poor thing,” while I was repeating the mantra, “Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why didn’t they make a bigger funnel for fuck’s sake???”
“I’m sorry I had bones, Jessica,” I heard my mother say.
“I’m not blaming you for having bones, Mommy, I just wish they would fit in the opening!”
Then the cork cracked and the superglue superglued the ashes to the cork so that shiny ashes will forever be stuck at the opening. And I said, “I fucking hate you! No, not you mommy dear, but this fucking cork!”
“Take a deep breath, Jessica,” she said, still kind of laughing. “And calm the fuck down.”
So, I finished the job, with various aspects of my mother keeping my company, and that’s when I realized that I have been speaking to multiple aspects of my mother at once. And it got me thinking about who people are. Not necessarily whole, but a container of multiple aspects coming and going, not necessarily with a through-line to make a whole tapestry, or with a President Aspect who governs the rest, but aspects that are disconnected, confused, a wonderful angel to some and a vindictive fucker to others. So then I was thinking, maybe the purpose of all this transformational work that so many people these days are endeavoring, myself included, is not merely to weave all our varied reactions with the thread of understanding for ourselves, but to do our best to gain wholeness for the sake of the people we’ll leave behind when we cross that ol’ threshold, so that when my darlings on the other side try to speak with me, they will get closer to one voice rather than multiple ones that may or may not have any idea that the others exist.

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